Joke thread

[stevecbr]

As some of you seem to have a twisted sense of humour, lets start a joke thread!


While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

 

[W8ENN]

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Twozup]

It was so sunny up here yesterday my 19yo neighbour was out washing car dressed only in a tiny bikini thinking no one was around to see. I was getting really horny and I couldn't resist getting the camera out and taking a few pics from behind the curtains. Man he's gonna be so embarrassed when I upload them to Facebook


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[Credry]

Thought I would surprise the postwoman this morning, so I sneaked up to the front door and put my cock through the letterbox....
I don't know what surprised her more, my cock or the fact that I knew where she lived.

 

[Twozup]

I saved a woman from getting rap*d in the park last night. I stayed in to watch telly.


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[Cypher]

Guys I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them. ”I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the road. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and hide behind it so I could get a view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed a patch of rust appearing! Is this something that you think could be fixed with ACF-50, I have heard it can stop rust dead and stop coming back or should I order a new part from the dealer?

 

[Twozup]

^^^QUALITY^^^


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[Triple Trouble]

Guys I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them. ”I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the road. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and hide behind it so I could get a view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed a patch of rust appearing! Is this something that you think could be fixed with ACF-50, I have heard it can stop rust dead and stop coming back or should I order a new part from the dealer?

I DID NOT see that coming..! Genius....lol


MT-09 Wheelie Wheelie mental.....!

 

[stevecbr]

What do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip?

Killed in a tunnel.

 

[tox]

Ok my mate who has a shaven bigfoot as a wife got pulled by the fuzz : My mate says. What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 70 in a 50 zone. Mate, No sir, I was going 55. Wife: Oh Gary. You were going 80. (Mate gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Mate: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Gary, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Mate gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Mate, Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Gary, you never wear your seat belt. Mate: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

 

[tox]

One day I had to call the police,Hello I said I need your help! The police answered Alright, What is it? I replied two girls are fighting over me. And the police said. So what's the problem with that what's your emergency. And I said, The f@cking ugly one is winning.

 

[Twozup]

Two compulsive liars were walking past The Shard in London one day. First liar said to second: "you see that new Shard building there? Well I jumped off it last week without a parachute, landed on a black cab roof without denting it, somersaulted off doing a backflip straight in front of Angelina Jolie, impressed her so much she gave me a knee trembler right in the middle of the road, I slapped her ass when I was done and walked away to a round of applause from a crowd that had gathered"

Second liar said "yeah I know- I seen you"...


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[flydnb]

what does a jewish paedophile say..............hey kids do you want to buy some sweets.

 

[flydnb]

how do you get a gay man to fuck a woman ............................shit in her cunt.

 

[Twozup]

Scotsman Englishman and Irishman are out in the desert when their landrover breaks down an dies. Faced with a 30mile walk back to base they each take something from the landrover.

Jock "rescues" a bottle of medical alcohol from the first aid kid "incase anyone gets hurt.. Ahem"

Nigel takes an umbrella from the boot "to keep the mid day sun off my delicate skin"

Paddy takes the passenger side door off. "So I can roll the window down when it gets too hot".......


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[compo]

My wife was standing on a set of steps wearing a short skirt as she placed the star at the top of the Christmas tree.

I couldn't resist, I shoved my head up, slipped her pants to the side and gave her fanny a right good licking.

Everyone else in the church hall looked mortified.

 

[compo]

Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Billy says, "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200ft yacht, an American Express Black card and I wanna screw her three times a day..."

The teacher, in shock, ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks "What about you

"I wanna be Billy's bitch!"

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I met my girlfriends parents the other day. Her Dad took me aside and said "If you hurt her, you're fucking dead!" I told him there was no chance of that 'cos i only have a small cock and her arseholes like a hippo's yawn.

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saw a ginger girl buying a rape alarm today, got to love the optimism

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Asked the wife for a wank last night and she started rubbing my dick with her car keys - I thought to myself is it me or is she fobbing me off ?

 

[stevecbr]

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

 

[Triple Trouble]

Has anyone asked Katie price's gynaecologist if he's seen a passenger jet lately???


MT-09 Wheelie Wheelie mental.....!

 

[Twozup]

Guy walks into a bar with his dog and orders a pint.

Just as his dog starts licking it's balls the guy next to him says "haha I wish I could do that"

The guy with the dog says "if you give him a biscuit he let's you"



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