Joke thread


Triple Trouble

Triple Trouble

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I said to the doctor, "I'm worried as whenever I go to visit my mother she gets my name wrong."

He looked up at me sympathetically and asked, "Is it Alzheimer's?"

I looked back at him in disgust and replied, "No, It's Steve."
 
Twozup

Twozup

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Guy goes into doctors for his test results
Doctor sits him down and says "Mr Smith I'm really sorry but there's two very serious illnesses that we've found and I have to say it's not good news- I don't know any other way to tell you but the first thing is you have terminal aids"

"Bloody hell doc that's really bad news- so what else is wrong?"

Doctor says "you also have degenerative Alzheimer's"

"Oh Jesus doc that's not what I wanted to hear at all. Still could be worse I suppose..... I could have AIDS"


Click [HERE] then {HERE}
 
Triple Trouble

Triple Trouble

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Twozup said:
Where did you get that? That was a pic my mrs took of me a few years back before I put the weight on. If only I could get back down to the weight I was back then. Ahhh to be young again


Click [HERE] then {HERE}
Click to expand...
Lol. I swapped her some back of ehem......other pictures of u....lol
 
Cypher

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My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

[HR][/HR]
Two Serbian soldiers are holed up guarding a hill top. After a while, Pieter tells his buddy he is off for a shit, and heads off looking for a bush.

After 20 minutes, Dimitri starts getting worried, as Pieter still has not returned. Time continues to pass, and, more and more, Dimitri fears his comrade in arms has been killed.

After an hour Dimitri, decides to get on the radio and is just about to call for a unit to search for his fellow soldier, when Pieter appears, bold as brass, with a huge grin on his face.

Dimitri: "Pieter! Fucking hell I thought you were dead! Where have you been?"

Pieter: "Well I went off to find a bush to take a shit in and, when I found one, I was crouching down, when I saw this beautiful Croatian bitch; gorgeous tits, legs to die for. So, I finish my shit and I go over and I start fondling her tits, I stick my finger in her cunt, then I take out my cock and I fuck her hard, then I come on her tits. After that, I roll her over and fuck her again in the arse, then I roll her over again and I come again all over her tits!"

Dmitri: "Did she then suck the last of your cum from your cock?"

Pieter: "Don't be a fucking idiot! Her head had been blown off by a grenade!"

[HR][/HR]
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that.

[HR][/HR]
Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
 
Triple Trouble

Triple Trouble

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People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC.

Of course he is.?

He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old.


MT-09 Wheelie Wheelie mental.....!
 
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